Monday, April 02, 2007

Jealousy.

I have a wide range of feelings that I have access to, but one that I rarely pull out is jealously.

I do toy with envy sometimes, as in being envious of people who can pull off certain styles or envious of my kids complete trust in others.

So when I feel jealous - I know it's serious.

I just finished reading a book that I first read in high school. Like many things from high school - I didn't truly appreciate it. Things like why my mother couldn't stay awake past 10:00pm - I COMPLETELY understand now. Like how savings don't remain savings forever. Like the ability to go out Friday night, work all day Saturday and still have more than enough motivation and energy to go out Saturday, topped off with homework on Sunday. You just don't realize how easily lost those things are.

So, back to the book. To Kill a Mockingbird.

As I mentioned, I just finished it and was happy and then completely pissed off. I am jealous - yes jealous - that I didn't write this story. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but the story, how it's told, and the message - I loved everything.

There are many books that I've read and forgotten. Some I've read and will always remember for good or for bad. Some that I will read over and over again because I enjoy the story. And then one's like Mockingbird that make me wish that it was mine. That's how much I like it. maybe not enough to name my daughter Scout (hello Demi?), but I wanted that story to have come out of my head.

I've had this feeling before in other areas. Like music. I jealously wish that it was me playing the piano when I listen to Tori Amos (even though I can only play that one that has two parts - that virtually anyone can learn in ten mintues). I've always wanted to learn, but never have. So I'm left being a wannabe.

It's even happened with speaking. Listening to someone like Rick Mercer intelligently rant on - both making me laugh and think. He's brillant and I'm jealous. I so want to be him. Well, we both like men!

I am working on drawing inspiration from the things and people that I covet. I think that perhaps I will some day come out with a good story, some day learn to play the piano, and some day become a witty gay man.

That's a way off though.

I still have to wait for my jealously to rippen from that greenish shade.